Love Hurts.

There comes a time in every girl's life that she falls victim to a broken heart. My writings are usually the window into comedic happenings of life, or little "thoughts of the day". But today, I need to relieve some pain, a word that  does not usually fall into the same sentence as my name. I'm always the strong one, the one that doesn't break. But today, I quickly folded into daddy's arms, and realized that sometimes, I do need a shoulder to cry on. And the most important thing, that it is okay to cry.

"Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...

But sometimes it's a good hurt

And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings,

When it transcends the bad things.

Have a heart and try me,

'cause without love I won't survive"

::Incubus.Love Hurts::

How long does it take to mend a broken heart? I've often thought about this, I can't remember how long it took to let my first one fade away. I sure remember it like it was yesterday, and will never forget it. Maybe that is why I have masked so many feelings related to relationships for so long, because I knew it would quickly end and I would be left in pieces. It was always much easier to be one of they guys and not deal with the feelings that entailed. I kept everyone at arm's length.  That way, I could stay in control. I was afraid to be hurt again, so that was my way of not letting it happen.

I have strolled through much of my young adult life not letting anyone in. Boys would try, but I'd quickly turn a cold shoulder. As soon as it got to a point they showed they cared, I'd bolt.  This was the result of my first heartbreak.  Yea, it made me stronger. But did I want to be that strong? So strong, I'd push someone that got too close away with the velocity of a speeding train. Because that's how quickly it happened.  I can tell you one thing though, no matter how long it took to fix my broken heart, it only took a blink of an eye to rip open the scars and let the pain rush back in. That happened  just now, without any warning. Brought me straight back to reality out of the clouds into a crumbled pile of emotional disaster. I've never felt so defeated. I would not wish that on anyone.

I never once was able to relate to my friends' struggles, which is why I probably gave such straight lace, no frills advice. My philosophy was, if he's a jerk forget him. If he's not giving you what you want, leave. I now wish I could take all that back, and just hug my friends, and take the hurt away for them. Because now, I know they probably weren't looking for advice, they were looking for someone to lean on and help take some of their burden away. Sometimes it is more complicated than a simple answer. But that pain can be helped with a big hug, or a glass of wine, or a run, or simply punching your pillow. I find the punching to be satisfying.

When I embarked on my journey back into the relationship world, I quickly found myself day dreaming about all the future plans I would have with him. Oh, we had the best "future" life...three dogs, cute little kids, amazing friends, a back porch for lazy days, and a love that rivaled my parents. One that I had secretly been searching for. I don't know why it was so easy for me to let him in. Maybe that's why I am so hurt, I should have known better. Maybe it was fantasizing about sharing my life with him, that got me in trouble. But why was it so easy to let him in, maybe I should take that as a sign...I should have not let that happen, I knew that by doing that, I'd jinx myself. I had wanted so badly to relate to my friends that had what I had been looking for, and I finally was able too.  Or I thought I was...

I sit here writing, tears streaming down my face, quickly shrinking back into my shell. I'm mad. Not at him, but at myself. I should have known better.I guess they say sadness eventually turns into anger, then you are able to let it slowly drift away with only a faint scar on your heart to remain. But why won't my anger stay, why do I keep finding myself suffocating under a feeling of inconsolable pain.

I hope the next time I come back and write, it's with good thoughts. I hope I find the strength to pick up myself and move on. I know I will, but it'll be a long road. Although I'm receding back into my world of not letting anyone in, and struggling with so many emotions, I wouldn't change a thing about this. I don't think I'd take anything back. I know I gave it my all, even though it was stomped on without any regard or respect. I know I'll come out on the higher road. What I have experienced is proving to be a part of life, and it has shown me, that I am alive...