here i am.

This week has been an emotional war with myself in terms of who I am and what I deserve. I've stopped beating myself up and realized that I am not the cause. It has not been easy, but I have reached an inner calm and acceptance that has helped me to move on. I no longer wish things had worked out. I realize I am lucky. Lucky that I got out. Got out of being lied to one more day and being manipulated into thinking he was someone he really wasn't. Got out of being hurt worse than I was. It could have been far worse, and I'm sure it's coming to the next girl in his path. I'm glad I am not her. The biggest lesson I've learned is that it is OK to believe the best in everyone, but once it's proved different, time to move on and not dwell on what can not be changed.

Although I put myself out there and got hurt, it feels good to know I was real, that I was honest. My new philosophy is to give my all and be real, clamming up gets you nowhere. It is a liberating experience to jump back from something so hurftul, and realize you can stand on your own.  Getting hurt is something everyone goes through. It's those little battles and struggles that bring out the best of us in the end. I know who I am, what I stand for, and how I should be treated, as well as how I treat others. For awhile, all I could think was, "What did I do?" or "How do I fix this?" All I wanted to do was resolve the issue, but I know now it didn't need resolving, it needed forgetting.  As one of my best friends put it, "Don't be mad at yourself for falling for him, realize all you did was fall for what he wanted you too, and that is nothing to be embarrassed about, you did nothing wrong". Those words ring so true. 

No longer do I wake up feeling the sting of his pain, nor do I falsely put on a smile when someone says "good morning". I don't have to wake up earlier, knowing half way through getting ready, I'll have to wash the tears away and start over.  I get through the day, counting all the good things I have going for me, and realize,this isn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be. That I will come out stronger and better in the end. Plus, it's always easier to forget an asshole :)

I'm sure I'll have my weak days. When I'll linger for his kiss, or watch my phone waiting for his call. But, that's when the strong girl I really am will have to take over and tell myself to keep going, because he's not worth it, not one bit. Someone who takes advantage of everything I gave, shouldn't have that satisfaction, so i refuse to let it happen.