4th of July.

The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday.

This shot was a lucky one. We went to the National Mall, braved the crowds, and I didn't feel like lugging my tripod along. Anyways, I leaned back, secured the arm strap and fired away. I got some really good pics somehow, but this is my favorite one. 

Hope everyone enjoyed celebrating the United States of America!

New Beginnings.

Three months. 

That's how long I've been delinquent of my writing. For me that is approaching eternity.   I guess I needed to find my inspirations again. I promised earlier I'd come back in better spirits, and I've kept my word. It took me a little longer than anticipated but I've recharged, resurfaced, and have come back up with a fighting spirit that can't be broken. Not without some broken bottles and tears, but those come with the risk taken for love. 

When I first started this blog, it was to document my accomplishments, my favorite things, and little moments of my life that I wanted to share... I wanted it to be the perfect showing of my life. As I've progressed through, I've learned it's not always perfect. 

You aren't always going to catch the perfect wave.

Well, lucky for me, a new swell is coming in and I'm catching that perfect set. I've rallied the troops and I am better than ever. It's time to really begin my life. I had to pick up some pieces, and learn from some BAD mistakes. But that's life I suppose. Looking back gets you nowhere. You can only move forward, and it's funny who chooses to really ride out those painful experiences with you. You learn a lot about yourself in those times.

The past few months I've matured more than I have over my whole life. I know who I am and most importantly, I know where I am going. I don't question past decisions, just move forward and realize they were there for a purpose and you can't really consider them mistakes. Most of this is yes, directed towards the semi recent split from someone I trusted with everything and fallen for, under false pretenses. But it's not me who will falter in step any longer. I realize now that maybe we weren't a good match anyways. I hate to accept he was right, but it's so true. 

I'm a girl going somewhere, and don't intend to be stuck in an entry level job with a bad dye job and cheap sunglasses dodging tornados in the trailer park for the rest of my life.

 (Thank GOD for upper class colorists where I live)

 So I guess it's good I'm gone. I wouldn't have lasted long in his world anyways. 

 I don't do tornados. 

This piece is to mark a new entry into new beginnings. I'm just proud of what this has made me and I'm glad where I've landed.

LoVe.

sail away.

someone very close to me once told me that sailboats soothe the soul. here is why.

aahh. 

here i am.

This week has been an emotional war with myself in terms of who I am and what I deserve. I've stopped beating myself up and realized that I am not the cause. It has not been easy, but I have reached an inner calm and acceptance that has helped me to move on. I no longer wish things had worked out. I realize I am lucky. Lucky that I got out. Got out of being lied to one more day and being manipulated into thinking he was someone he really wasn't. Got out of being hurt worse than I was. It could have been far worse, and I'm sure it's coming to the next girl in his path. I'm glad I am not her. The biggest lesson I've learned is that it is OK to believe the best in everyone, but once it's proved different, time to move on and not dwell on what can not be changed.

Although I put myself out there and got hurt, it feels good to know I was real, that I was honest. My new philosophy is to give my all and be real, clamming up gets you nowhere. It is a liberating experience to jump back from something so hurftul, and realize you can stand on your own.  Getting hurt is something everyone goes through. It's those little battles and struggles that bring out the best of us in the end. I know who I am, what I stand for, and how I should be treated, as well as how I treat others. For awhile, all I could think was, "What did I do?" or "How do I fix this?" All I wanted to do was resolve the issue, but I know now it didn't need resolving, it needed forgetting.  As one of my best friends put it, "Don't be mad at yourself for falling for him, realize all you did was fall for what he wanted you too, and that is nothing to be embarrassed about, you did nothing wrong". Those words ring so true. 

No longer do I wake up feeling the sting of his pain, nor do I falsely put on a smile when someone says "good morning". I don't have to wake up earlier, knowing half way through getting ready, I'll have to wash the tears away and start over.  I get through the day, counting all the good things I have going for me, and realize,this isn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be. That I will come out stronger and better in the end. Plus, it's always easier to forget an asshole :)

I'm sure I'll have my weak days. When I'll linger for his kiss, or watch my phone waiting for his call. But, that's when the strong girl I really am will have to take over and tell myself to keep going, because he's not worth it, not one bit. Someone who takes advantage of everything I gave, shouldn't have that satisfaction, so i refuse to let it happen.

Love Hurts.

There comes a time in every girl's life that she falls victim to a broken heart. My writings are usually the window into comedic happenings of life, or little "thoughts of the day". But today, I need to relieve some pain, a word that  does not usually fall into the same sentence as my name. I'm always the strong one, the one that doesn't break. But today, I quickly folded into daddy's arms, and realized that sometimes, I do need a shoulder to cry on. And the most important thing, that it is okay to cry.

"Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...

But sometimes it's a good hurt

And it feels like I'm alive

Love sings,

When it transcends the bad things.

Have a heart and try me,

'cause without love I won't survive"

::Incubus.Love Hurts::

How long does it take to mend a broken heart? I've often thought about this, I can't remember how long it took to let my first one fade away. I sure remember it like it was yesterday, and will never forget it. Maybe that is why I have masked so many feelings related to relationships for so long, because I knew it would quickly end and I would be left in pieces. It was always much easier to be one of they guys and not deal with the feelings that entailed. I kept everyone at arm's length.  That way, I could stay in control. I was afraid to be hurt again, so that was my way of not letting it happen.

I have strolled through much of my young adult life not letting anyone in. Boys would try, but I'd quickly turn a cold shoulder. As soon as it got to a point they showed they cared, I'd bolt.  This was the result of my first heartbreak.  Yea, it made me stronger. But did I want to be that strong? So strong, I'd push someone that got too close away with the velocity of a speeding train. Because that's how quickly it happened.  I can tell you one thing though, no matter how long it took to fix my broken heart, it only took a blink of an eye to rip open the scars and let the pain rush back in. That happened  just now, without any warning. Brought me straight back to reality out of the clouds into a crumbled pile of emotional disaster. I've never felt so defeated. I would not wish that on anyone.

I never once was able to relate to my friends' struggles, which is why I probably gave such straight lace, no frills advice. My philosophy was, if he's a jerk forget him. If he's not giving you what you want, leave. I now wish I could take all that back, and just hug my friends, and take the hurt away for them. Because now, I know they probably weren't looking for advice, they were looking for someone to lean on and help take some of their burden away. Sometimes it is more complicated than a simple answer. But that pain can be helped with a big hug, or a glass of wine, or a run, or simply punching your pillow. I find the punching to be satisfying.

When I embarked on my journey back into the relationship world, I quickly found myself day dreaming about all the future plans I would have with him. Oh, we had the best "future" life...three dogs, cute little kids, amazing friends, a back porch for lazy days, and a love that rivaled my parents. One that I had secretly been searching for. I don't know why it was so easy for me to let him in. Maybe that's why I am so hurt, I should have known better. Maybe it was fantasizing about sharing my life with him, that got me in trouble. But why was it so easy to let him in, maybe I should take that as a sign...I should have not let that happen, I knew that by doing that, I'd jinx myself. I had wanted so badly to relate to my friends that had what I had been looking for, and I finally was able too.  Or I thought I was...

I sit here writing, tears streaming down my face, quickly shrinking back into my shell. I'm mad. Not at him, but at myself. I should have known better.I guess they say sadness eventually turns into anger, then you are able to let it slowly drift away with only a faint scar on your heart to remain. But why won't my anger stay, why do I keep finding myself suffocating under a feeling of inconsolable pain.

I hope the next time I come back and write, it's with good thoughts. I hope I find the strength to pick up myself and move on. I know I will, but it'll be a long road. Although I'm receding back into my world of not letting anyone in, and struggling with so many emotions, I wouldn't change a thing about this. I don't think I'd take anything back. I know I gave it my all, even though it was stomped on without any regard or respect. I know I'll come out on the higher road. What I have experienced is proving to be a part of life, and it has shown me, that I am alive...

::tease::

It's been a cold winter, not as brutal as last year, but still cold! It's that sweet time of year, when we get our first taste of Spring. I know it won't last long, but seriously...it really is the best ever! I don't think I am ready for it to go back to being winter...not yet! Hopefully, it'll hold out just a little longer..I'd love if it did.

This weather makes me crave windows down, a good country song turned way up loud and driving fast to nowhere in particular...

Valentine's Day? .....

It's that time of year, in which Valentine's Day ads are popping up all over the place. You can't even walk into a store,get on the internet or turn the TV on, without having some sort of "deal" shoved in your face.  This brings up the age old questions of, is Valentine's Day really a Hallmark Holiday? My friend and I were discussing this yesterday, and we are both on the same page... Valentine's Day is geared towards those high maintenance girls who need the physical reminder they are loved (or.. liked), and take ravish on poor guys wallets... so is it a scam?! In my opinion, yes. But, that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it a little!!

I think it is silly for the girls who expect diamonds (haha from JARED no doubt..), dozens and dozens of roses, and want to be doted on hand and foot .. on this one single day of the year. But, I do think it is a good excuse for a yummy dinner (new recipes are alway thought about in my brain as it is) and maybe a little extra affection... but that can be done any day!! The memories of high school, when guys would come in with huge teddy bears, flowers and balloons..haha makes me laugh a little. I was a receipent of all those, and to this day remember the awkward silence standing there with all my loot, and nothing in return, except trying to contain my laughter. WOOPS! That sure didn't last long...ahh high school romance at its best! Or remember, how annoying it was you had to do a Valentine's card for EVERYONE in your class because you didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. So lame, although I was alway the girl who'd get Ninja Turtle cards for my friends..because I thought it was funny. My best friends got April, she was my favorite.

Now, I can't really hate too much on Valentine's Day since well, my birthday is in November and if you do the math...well..yea.. I may have most certainly stemmed from a love filled evening with a little too much champagne..and that's where my mind stops wandering (parent's don't "do it"!). But thank God it did happen, because..I'm here now for your blissful enjoyment, maybe that's the worlds best Valentine gift...not joking.

I am not bitter, I have a little Valentine crush myself  this year.. but I'm just saying... this "day" is a just bizarre to me...and incase you are wondering, in the course of writing this blog.. I've received 4 emails advertising Valentine's Day sales... but who doesn't love a good deal?!

Hope Cupid is good to everyone this year <3